I've been oddly silent this week, primarily because I've had a close family friend pass away. Sometimes the creative juices just get sluiced away when reality strikes, and I apologize for my absence.
Attending the funeral made me realize that the old adage that funerals are for the living is quite true. I find that in these moments of loss I am quite selfish.
And as I sat in the funeral home weeping with my friends and family, my mind was racing, screaming at myself not to be so selfish, not to be so weak. There are others who were closer to the one we lost. Their loss is greater. Why should I cry? But the more I berate myself internally to quit crying, the more I cry, until whatever triggered the tears in the first place is long over and I'm the only one left with red eyes and sniffles.
While I am sad about this death, I know he lived a full and exciting life. I have many, many happy memories to make me smile. Still, I cry. The tears are not for the dead, because they are beyond this world now. We cannot touch them. No, the tears I cry are for myself, for my loss, and for the fear of future losses.
And somehow it grows more and more difficult with every loved one I bury. Every loss gets harder. Selfish as it sounds, I'm afraid to end up alone, all of my friends and family gone. It feels inevitable. We all will die. I am not afraid of my own death, but the death of others, now that is terrifying.
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I've had the misfortune of having quite a few people close to me pass away. It brings into sharp focus just how precious and fleeting our lives are.
ReplyDeleteThat stark, immediately tangible proof that life is fragile and precious is humbling. It has always made me feel vulnerable and exposed...and deeply, deeply grateful for the time that I have here with my loved ones. It always brings me to tears, too.
I'm sending you virtual *hugs* Ama. I'm very sorry for your loss. And I think we're all afraid of the same things. Try not to beat yourself up (easier said than done, I know), your emotions are just that - yours, and therefore they're valid and upsetting. I hope you start to feel better soon honey *more hugs*
ReplyDeleteYou aren't selfish. Grieving is important, and only you can know what a person meant to you. Don't feel bad for crying more than others, some people just can't show it like that, while others, like you cannot really help showing.
ReplyDeleteI am very sorry for your loss, and send you lots of positive thoughts, hoping you'll cheer up soon! *hugs*
I'm sorry for your loss. Good thoughts are on their way to you now! Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteMy condolances for your loss Ama.
ReplyDeleteGrieving aint selfish, its normal. Do what ya got to do to get it through your system then let it go. Some people express their greif in different ways. I lost more than a couple of friends in the last 6 years and I have my days where I still think about them. That isnt selfish, its human. Anyways, best of thoughts for you and here is to hoping better times swing your way.
~hugs all around~ Many thanks to all of your for your kind words and support. I know I don't normally post about RL, but I knew the creative juices just weren't flowing this week and felt I had to post something, and this is what came of it. There will be real WoW related posts around the corner. Thanks for bearing with me.
ReplyDeleteMy condolences on your loss =( Don't berate yourself for your sadness though Ama. We've evolved emotions and tears for a very good reason. And just like all other pain, it's an individual thing - not to be compared to the way someone else handles their loss, even if that person was closer to the departed.
ReplyDeleteI agree funerals and mourning are for the living. But there are few better opportunities to take stock of what you have and adjust your life to maximise that. I know that's how I deal with loss when it happens to me, that way I feel that the person has left a legacy in renewing the desire to live fully in their friends and family.
~Reala
Sorry for your loss ): *hugs*
ReplyDelete"I'm afraid to end up alone, all of my friends and family gone."
ReplyDeleteI think everyone has this fear to some extent, and I do not believe that it is at all selfish. We're social creatures, and we all depend on the interaction with the people we care about for our well being. We all die alone (it's hard to time the departure to whatever comes next with loved ones after all), but until that point we are very much still living and breathing, more often than not with people we care about just a phone call/email/drive away.
It's healthy to mourn, this person was obviously someone you cared about. Whatever it was that they added to your quality of life is now missing, and it is completely acceptable to be sad over the loss of their presence.
Let the tears flow, get it all our I say! Let the sadness run its course so you may celebrate this person's life instead of being stuck on dwelling on the loss (I'm a dweller, it's no fun). It's much healthier in my opinion to let things out instead of repressing them. It's not being weak, it's simply something that's natural and it's a process that must unfortunately be dealt with.
Once again I've written a wall, I'm sorry. Many e-hugs and thoughts a-coming your way, m'dear. <3